In a previous post, I detailed how comfortable I have become with failure and shortcoming. I suppose it’s a running theme in my subconscious, as I seem to always ponder on this subject — much like I’m doing now.
This year I’ll be 30 years old. This is neither an impending doom, nor a cause for celebration. It’s simply a fact (or rather, a figure in this case).
Upon introspection of the 3 decades of my life, I realised that I rarely took the time to pause & reflect on the journey throughout the years. Sure, I may have stopped to smell the metaphorical roses now & then, but there never really was a time where I truly gave up & waved the white flag.
I found that rather odd, considering there was many times I probably should have and even more times I that wanted to — but the thought of giving up altogether was just not a setting I was programmed with.
Growing up in a coloured household, there are some unspoken rules that you simply abide by, and, it was only recently that I realised many of these are embedded in micro aggression and trauma. Allow me to break it down…
I’m On Borrowed Time
This one is probably the one that hit home the most. I can’t count how many times I’ve been told that I owe it to others to be present, pay it forward and be dutiful — simply as a side effect of being born in this economy and century.
Understandably, it does take a village to raise a child and it’s only fair to give back, but the expectation of being alive simply just to ‘pay it forward’ never sat well with me.
I have many peers who have been shamed for being born & not ‘living up to their full potential’ according to their parents.
To that, I say; you don’t owe it to anyone else to make it in this world.
It took me a long time, but I realised that I don’t need to prove myself worthy of being loved, accepted or even cared for.
Child-rearing is a choice as much as it is a responsibility and many tend to neglect the latter.
Respect Begets Respect
The older you get, the more you realise that your parents don’t necessarily know better than you do, they’ve simply just been around for longer and have experienced more than you have.
Regardless of that, you should always hold them in the highest regard, because even though you don’t owe them anything, they’ve made sacrifices to have you here & keep you alive.
But the question of respect is always tricky, especially when your boundaries are being violated after communicating them.
For the longest time I’ve struggled (and still do) to communicate when I feel wronged or disrespected. Candidly speaking, I haven’t mastered the ability to effectively say no or be firm about my feelings. This is not for lack of trying, though. I simply get met with a lack of understanding & a guilt trip for being too “sensitive”. Obviously, now that I’m older, I know it’s a coping mechanism my parent has put in place to avoid taking accountability, but it’s still hard to overcome the feeling of being belittled and maintain the respect that I desperately want to keep.
Most of the time, I’m expected to show up as an adult about my shortcomings, but the same isn’t expected of other adults older than me and I find it incredibly unfair.
Respect is something I had to earn, why is it that mine is held of less value in comparison to others?
Money Trauma
Did you know that money and lack of financial support is one of the key factors in divorced couples? It’s not surprising, given the economy we live in, but it is interesting since money and relationships shouldn’t ideally affect one another.
They do though, I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s seen families fight about making ends meet.
The conscious psychologist says;
Sometimes, we associate money with stress, a lack of security and even feelings of unworthiness. This negative relationship to money formed by anything from childhood experiences to long-term debt in adulthood, can be connected to financial trauma.
From Instagram
Suffice to say, adult me is a complete control freak when it comes to money because I refuse to fight about it.
Saving is also a new concept to someone like me, because previously, money was either something you used, or something you coveted — it was never disposable and certainly not stored for a rainy day.
Saving was reserved for people who had a disposable income, something I never had the liberty of, being a 1st generational breaker.
Failure Was Not An Option
Coming full circle, I really sat with myself and wondered why I felt it wasn’t okay for me to give up & quit all these years. I’m not delusional enough to believe I’m that lucky, but it’s uncanny how I pushed through adversities & strife — all because I just didn’t want to let anyone down. In the process, I’ve let myself down many times while bearing the weight of that expectation.
Unknowingly, I have lowered my own expectations so much that I never asked for anything, never wanted what wasn’t within my reach & tried to be less of a burden so that I could avoid failure and disappointment from others.
I don’t regret it and I am eternally grateful that I am in the position where my ‘sacrifices’ have paid off (Alhamdulillah), but I am slowly also learning the cost of it, and it leaves a bitter taste.
With Great Age, Comes Great Responsibility
Now that I am older and maybe a little wiser, it is my responsibility to heal from the traumas of my childhood. As a way of paying it forward to myself, I have begun to acknowledge my shortcomings (an ongoing condition, I fear) and work on them… and keep working on them… and maybe I’ll take a mini break (for a snack or two)… and then I’ll work on them some more.
Basically what I’m saying is, I’m willing to work on myself forever more. Because there’s nothing else to do but to progress and heal.
NIYAAL RAKIEP 